Xmas is one of my favourite times of year - a true atheistic celebration of gluttony and commercialism. I like to indulge in bankrupting displays of vulgar drunkenness from Xmas's official start (the first time you hear 'Fairytale of New York' whilst shopping in Morrison's) right through to its official end on New Year's Day.
I wrote this poem celebrating Xmas in the summertime, but have waited until now to publish it here.
Eyes shut, hand in and pick a name.
Twenty quid, compulsory game
With everyone a winner.
Picked a girl (let's call her Kirsty)
A cousin from my new step-family:
A result that left me in a
Quandary - wondering what to do?
How to please a girl I hardly knew?
A girl who's probably got all
Her own ideas, her own perspective.
Earrings? No, that's too subjective.
Then I saw it: Aristotle's
Nichomachean Ethics: Dare I
Buy her this book I love and share my
Love of rational thought with her?
She'll probably thank me years from now
"That book changed my life, Finn, Wow!"
In the end, I thought I'd best defer
To my new step-sister, who said I'd lost
All sense and took me down to Argos
To buy hair straighteners.